These past couple of months have been a whirlwind. I’ve been working more hours than ever. In the small amount of time that I have off I have been attempting to push my schooling to a close, in addition to church work, home chores and spending time with my amazing little family. These seasons of intense work and limited time have come on more frequently over the past 18 months. I guess this is a part of growing in maturity of perspective – we start to see more and more important things that we need to invest our lives into.
As I have mentioned before this is a good kind of challenge. Although at times exhausting, it is an enriching and fulfilling kind of exhaustion. In addition to this, it is also bringing me more and more aware of the finitude of my humanity.
The more good things I see around me the more I see how unable I am to meet all the needs and opportunities that surround me. The world is a great big booming carnival and I am just a small kid with a balloon and one of those, all access bracelets. It is a task far beyond my capacity to properly take it all in. It all looks so good and so important. Where do I even start? How do I make sure I make the right choices? What if I miss a crucial opportunity? What if I make a big mistake? The music and rides and neon colors almost start to get a bit intimidating..scary even.
There is, I think, only one way to really live in peace among all the blinking lights and attractions – the infinite-personal God. Ultimately, he is in charge. I cannot contain the chaos. I cannot rise above it and make perfect decisions. But he does. In him, all things hold together and he is before all things. He is the head of all creation. He calls it out and it follows him. This vast and crazy swirling mass I call the universe is actually one great dance. His epic masterpiece.
Even though it is often far beyond me, my place in it is not. His call to me is not to take control, to be omniscient or to rise above it. His call to me is to follow him daily. To let him paint his pictures, rouse the nations, shake the earth and calm the seas.
This is the source of me sanity and my peace. Let God be God. Let God be my God. Every day is a gift. It is his project. I will give my all; let myself be spent on the great things he sends my way. I will have to leave much undone but I know that he won’t. Most importantly, I will enjoy the dance.
In approaching the next leg of my growth in life, my application to the BSN completion program, my mind inevitably drifts to the reasons that drive me and the goals to which I strive. As I reflect back on the past five years of my life, I become all the more aware of the fact that I have known blessing and opportunity that most previous generations in my family and community have not known. As I write these words, I have on my desk the hand written memoirs of my grandfather’s adventures as a truck driver in the deserts of northern Asia. The life and culture he grew up in seems worlds away. My parents moved to the States in 1996, as part of a larger wave of individuals fleeing the instability of the post-Soviet wreckage. They came here with nothing but a handful of suitcases. My dad worked two jobs for years to keep us afloat in the new world.
I understand that much of the discussion encircling the Planned Parenthood video released this week is vain, emotion-filled and futile. I am doing everything I can to avoid that today. I want to call attention to one specific aspect of the question at hand.
My point here is not to start more raging arguments. We all know that this political game we play in our society has nothing to do with actually convincing our opponnents that they are wrong, and everything to do with merely yelling louder than they do so that their voice is drowned out and ours alone is heard. I hear the yelling and the arguing every day.
Growing up, I was always slightly puzzled by the seeming pessimism and negativity of the author of the book of Ecclesiastes. The writer sifts through every aspect of daily life, all along the way, coming to the conclusion that, “this too, is vanity”. After a few chapters of this it really starts to get old and you almost seem to get the impression that the guy is a bit low on vitamin D and just needs to get out more. “Vanity, vanity all is vanity”. I understand that the use of hyperbole is a valuable tool to communicate a point. But the preacher seems to go off the deep end a bit. I mean come on, its not that all that bad…is it?
Its quite remarkable how time changes our sense of perspective. Especially us young 20 somethings. The world seems to clearly black and white. But time and reality dissolve that naivety. I am starting to see that the preacher is on to something here.